Can You Handle Advice From The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived?
Curtis Jones on the Radio: Advice for James
Alfred Writes: Deer Curtis,
I be a brother of your colr. Born and raised
in Alabama. Marryd to me couzin for 16
year. I has recently discuvered that I is hiding in the closet and needs to know
hows to expain this two her.
Please helps me!!!!
Curtis: Well Alfred, considering
I'm fairly positive you don't know what homosexual means, I will assume you literally mean you are hiding in a closet.
You must have a laptop with a wireless router. What I would do is set down your computer and start banging on the walls and
the closet door until you get her attention. Sooner or later she will arrive to see what the commotion is all about and when
she opens the door to the closet you can then simply say "Surprise!". She'll probably get a kick out of it and
all will blow over before you know it. Now, if you actually have enough brain cells to mean metephorically that you are in
the closet, then I'd say just stay there. If you been "Hiding" for this long why you need to come out now? Hit
up yo gay porn on the internet, maybe have a discreet meeting with a fella or two from a chat room and leave it at that. Why
should you ruin her life just because you finally realized you like to eat the man junk? I mean, for f**ks sake Alfred, the
girl had to settle for her cousin, don't you think thats troubling enough? If she loves you enough to marry you, maybe
you can talk her into a sex change and then the whole situation would be right. Well, I hope at least one of those suggestions
works out for you my friend. Keep it real, incest in the west!
-word-
Curtis Jones on the Radio: Advice on Keeping a Man (for dangly eyed women only)
Bill writes: Dear Curtis, I have a problem
keeping an erection and I tried using viagra but that still didn't work. What should I do?
Curtis:
Well Bill, There are a few different things I can think of to solve yo problem, but first, we need to know what is the root
cause of your erectile disfunction. Are you an aging man who just physically cannot get it up any longer? If so I would do
1 of two things. Get yourself a number 2 pencil and two rubber bands. Stretch your penis out until it is at its maximum length
and put the pencil underneath yo love stick with the eraser against your scrotum. Attach said rubber bands, one around the
base of your man junk and one just under the head of Mr. Johnson to securely hold the pencil. IMPORTANT! DO NOT SHARPEN THE
PENCIL BEFORE ATTACHING TO YOUR PENIS!!! That is unless you hate the woman you about to do the bumbity bump with. The second
thing you could do is embrace the fact that you have a limp lenny and tie a string around the head attach that to a pully
on your cieling, put a hat on the little fella and put on puppet shows for the community every tuesday and friday. Now if
you are a younger man and your willy doesn't work, there is a solution that I only advise as a last resort. Get some lubrication
(KY Jelly works best) and stick 2 fingers up yo butt. Dig around for awhile until you find THE button. You Might say Curtis,
what is THE button, well trust me you'll know it when you find it cuz little richard will turn into big dick once you
hit it, but be careful, hit the wrong button and you gonna crap yo pants. Hope that helps playa. WORD!!!!!
Curtis Jones on the Radio: Job Interview Advice
Joe writes: Dear Curtis, I've been married
for 12 years now and I just don't have a sexual urge for my wife anymore. Don't get me wrong I still think she's
beautiful, I just don't feel excited about her like I use to. What can I do to bring that feeling back?
Curtis:
Dear Joe, I have been married 4 times, and I completely understand where you comin from. Listen... what you need to do is
start going through the archive in your mind of all the women you see and would love to bumpity bump. Then, everyday you look
at your wife, you super-impose the image of your fantasy girl over your wife. You see, that's the best part of being married
with an imagination, you can be with a different girl every night. Hell, tell her you want to do it with the lights off and
then you can really get yo groove on. If theres one thing I know for sure, it's this. You must NEVER tell your wife what
you told me, because she will grow a complex that you can not handle and it will cause you a stroke and you will lose all
the feeling in the left side of your face. I hope she don't read this!
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